Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
two words...techno handjob
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
