im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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