Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize