i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
