This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
