You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
