So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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