OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
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