My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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