I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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