I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
