The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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