he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
