no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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