I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
babies were throwing up all over the place
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
