So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
