I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just threw up on my dentist
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
