I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
