somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
