i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The beer is more important than you right now.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
