I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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