Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
His nipple licking is glorious
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