you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
