Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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