Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
