so explain again why im purple
no
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
