i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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