I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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