I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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