trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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