Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
