I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize