Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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