I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize