who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
