hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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