He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize