A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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