update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize