I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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