So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
