There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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