Please, let me fuck your mom
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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