Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
