I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
being pregnant is like rehab
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
