I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
