I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize