I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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