But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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