Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
