Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
