he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He did a backflip because drugs
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
