My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
