I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
