Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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