I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
