Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
