if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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