Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
this is an emotional support booty call
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
