I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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