he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
