Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
