you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
